Dream Catching

So, my uncle sent me an e-mail the other day. He had spent the night in my room after visiting my mother. In my room I have a rabbit fur staff I bought in Colorado, an eagle's feather that I got in Alaska, and a dream catcher that I had for the longest time. Essentially, the e-mail said that he had some great dreams due to the dream catcher.

I don't usually set much to stake to this stuff, but I wish I had that dream catcher here. My dreams have been shit lately. They're all strange, and all of them intense. Yeah, some of them are about ex (at least the worst ones are), but I keep waking up in the middle of the night really pondering what just happened. I'm started writing down the things I've woken up thinking, just to see what exactly was going through my head. If I'm going to wake up and have a "What the fuck was that??" moment, I might as well write it down.

Here was the first one; a few weeks ago, I woke up from one of these intense dreams. I lay there for a bit, and suddenly a thought occurred to me. "I trust science, but I don't believe any of it. I believe in God, but I don't trust him at all." Now, when I wrote it down, it was just a thought that came to me in the middle of the night. The next morning however, I sat and thought about it, and I really kinda was blown away by it.

Not because I think it's profound or anything. This isn't some epiphany that came to me in a dream or anything, I was just surprised at how accurate it was. I trust science; I trust that electricity will power everything in my room, and I trust that global warming is happening, but I don't believe any of the facts that back it up. It's not that I don't think it's happening, I'm sure it is; I just don't understand any of it. Sure, I can talk about mRNA and about how colors are just electrons jumping, but, seriously, you could just have easily said "Colors are composed of particles called "colortrons" that are predetermined based on every organisms mixing of gene-ocisms." I'm glad it's more complicated than that, and I'm also glad that there are people who not only understand science, but actually enjoy it. I am not one of those people.

Science gives me the heeby-jeebies. I love spaceships, and I love everything that we can enjoy today because of science, but I don't want anything more than a rudimentary understanding of it. Like I said, I understand the stuff; in highschool, I always did well in those classes, and got a 3.75 in Physics last year. It just scares the crap out of me. I can't help but feel insignificant when I think about the fact that I'm composed of millions of cells which are then composed of even more insignificant protein strands, which are even more insignificant molecules and particles, and electrons, neutrons and protons, which are probably made up of even smaller particles. I mean seriously; what the fuck is going on here? How can I possibly be made up of all that? I can't even keep track of my homework, and I'm in charge of trillions of atoms? It just doesn't make sense that I should be just a collection of molecules and particles and energy.

That's why I believe in God. So far I've only talked about the things that make up humans, but when you look at the totem pole, we're just as insignificant to the universe as those stupid particles are to us. Solar systems make up galaxies, galaxies make up the universe and who knows how many universes are stacked on top of each other. Wave your arm, you're brushing through an infinite number of universes. Why don't I obsess about this as much as the small things? Well, we're essentially a part of the universe in the same way that an atom is just a part of us; we're small, insignificant, and meaningless to whatever immense structure we are a part of. Who knows; maybe the universe is just one immense mobius strip, and we are a part of the universe, which together with other universes are merely just a part of us.

This isn't about the universe (much) though. This is about God. Because I do believe there is a God. Maybe we are just a part of some immense structure, just another cog in a system that we have no comprehension of. But something out there has an idea of what our purpose is, and whatever it is, has treated us like crap.

Now, when I was growing up, I had a lot of toys. Sure, they're inanimate objects that don't breathe or move or think, but they were still things that were important to me. If a toy broke, I would feel horrible, and I always treat my belongings responsibly. I'm not just talking about my crap to say I was a crazy person who treats inanimate objects like people. I'm trying to say that even if we are stupid little pieces in a larger puzzle, we should be treated with respect.

Which we aren't. Even if we accept popular theological beliefs, God has just shit all over humanity. Even the chosen people would just get fucked around by him. Job was just another casualty in one of his competitions with the Devil. He asked Abraham to sacrifice his first born son, and then last minute, "Hey! That thing I told you to do... yeah, don't worry about that anymore."

I'm just saying, if God exists, he really is a douchebag. Ever notice how good people are always the ones to suffer? My friend Tucker lost his mother in Sophomore year of high school. Donnah was an amazing woman, who treated everyone with love and respect. I knew her for almost 10 years, and in all that time, I always felt welcome in the Dunbar household. Then she got cancer, and after years of battling it, she passed away. Sure, she refused blood transfusions because of her religion, but I'm not talking about religion; I'm talking about God. I'm talking about the Almighty Being that supposedly created us and has been guiding us through our actions. I'm talking about the unnatural circumstances that transpired to create not only humans but the universe itself. There is nothing random about the universe; it may have been created trillions of years ago, but the fact of the matter is every particle in it has a purpose and a reason, and for that, God, whether it is some master architect sitting at his desk concocting new ideas, or just the mathmatical principle that holds the universe together, is a fucking douche.

I hate when good people have crap happen to them; my friend Tim just lost his sister to Leukemia, my friend Kory had leukemia when he was 12, relapsed at 14, and has lived with the fear of relapsing ever since. My mother lost her husband a month before I was born, and raised me all by herself, sacrificing love and careers to bring me up. Ghandi, MLK Jr, JFK (a little), Abraham Lincoln, and Jesus Christ (even if he is actually God), all got shafted. Literally, each and every one of them got the shaft, and what had they done wrong (well, aside from JFK- there's some shady stuff going on there)? But, it's not just death that's unfair; Death is a part of life. But life should be fair; everyone should be entitled to live a life free from persecution and from violence. There are millions of people in the world today that call a collection of boxes and metal "home." There are millions of children that will watch good people die of hunger while criminals flourish.

What the fuck God? You know, I don't care what you do to me. My father died at the age of 30, and at this point, I've inherited his hair, why not his life-span too? The one thing I had that made me truly happy is gone, and while I doubt that was your doing, it still gets me in the right mind to say, "Fuck Off." If you're not going to do good, why even bother?

And yes, God does exist. There is no way that everything that exists today is random shit that occurred over the course of infinity. Who knows, we may just be the by product of whatever the true intentions were; maybe we are just the atoms that make up the molecules that make up the cells of an enormous inter-universe Penis, which is merely one penis of 7 on some incomprehensible being. Maybe all of the universes just make up one molecule of a blade of grass. WHO CARES. All I care about is that whoever started this take responsibility for it's actions.

So that's that. That is the huge discussion that sprung from the stupid quote I wrote down when I woke up in the middle of the night. At the time, I just kinda threw it down on a sticky-note, said, "hmm" and passed out again. When I woke up, I thought about it for a little. Tonight, I said, "Hey, I should write on that blog I have, because I have nothing better to do (literally, I watched an entire season of "How I Met your Mother" today. I really am ready for this semester to be over).

I have another Dream Comment, but I'm going to save it. This argument was pretty stupid, and for a bit there, I think I lost my thread. All I know is that I trust my car, I trust my computer, and I trust my cell phone all to work, but I don't understand how they work, and I don't really care why. Because even if I did understand, it would just be another inconsequential thing to think about. Like God. Even though I believe God exists (I have faith in him, just like technology), I don't care how it exists. Unlike technology, God isn't doing it's job though. It's fucking over good people, and helping bad people. And that's not really what I just ranted about this whole time anyways.

So, yeah. This blog officially has 4 different segments: Dream Catching (Late-Night Inspired Philosophy), Running Man (My running blog), Star Wars Reviews (Recipe a day, a la Julia Childs) and Derek's Adventures (right not it's just singular "adventure").

4 different segments, and only one follower. I don't care though. This is more for me to think about things. Rather than keep them in my head where they bounce around alot though, I can get them down in words, no matter how incoherent, and maybe clear my head.