Dream Catching

So, my uncle sent me an e-mail the other day. He had spent the night in my room after visiting my mother. In my room I have a rabbit fur staff I bought in Colorado, an eagle's feather that I got in Alaska, and a dream catcher that I had for the longest time. Essentially, the e-mail said that he had some great dreams due to the dream catcher.

I don't usually set much to stake to this stuff, but I wish I had that dream catcher here. My dreams have been shit lately. They're all strange, and all of them intense. Yeah, some of them are about ex (at least the worst ones are), but I keep waking up in the middle of the night really pondering what just happened. I'm started writing down the things I've woken up thinking, just to see what exactly was going through my head. If I'm going to wake up and have a "What the fuck was that??" moment, I might as well write it down.

Here was the first one; a few weeks ago, I woke up from one of these intense dreams. I lay there for a bit, and suddenly a thought occurred to me. "I trust science, but I don't believe any of it. I believe in God, but I don't trust him at all." Now, when I wrote it down, it was just a thought that came to me in the middle of the night. The next morning however, I sat and thought about it, and I really kinda was blown away by it.

Not because I think it's profound or anything. This isn't some epiphany that came to me in a dream or anything, I was just surprised at how accurate it was. I trust science; I trust that electricity will power everything in my room, and I trust that global warming is happening, but I don't believe any of the facts that back it up. It's not that I don't think it's happening, I'm sure it is; I just don't understand any of it. Sure, I can talk about mRNA and about how colors are just electrons jumping, but, seriously, you could just have easily said "Colors are composed of particles called "colortrons" that are predetermined based on every organisms mixing of gene-ocisms." I'm glad it's more complicated than that, and I'm also glad that there are people who not only understand science, but actually enjoy it. I am not one of those people.

Science gives me the heeby-jeebies. I love spaceships, and I love everything that we can enjoy today because of science, but I don't want anything more than a rudimentary understanding of it. Like I said, I understand the stuff; in highschool, I always did well in those classes, and got a 3.75 in Physics last year. It just scares the crap out of me. I can't help but feel insignificant when I think about the fact that I'm composed of millions of cells which are then composed of even more insignificant protein strands, which are even more insignificant molecules and particles, and electrons, neutrons and protons, which are probably made up of even smaller particles. I mean seriously; what the fuck is going on here? How can I possibly be made up of all that? I can't even keep track of my homework, and I'm in charge of trillions of atoms? It just doesn't make sense that I should be just a collection of molecules and particles and energy.

That's why I believe in God. So far I've only talked about the things that make up humans, but when you look at the totem pole, we're just as insignificant to the universe as those stupid particles are to us. Solar systems make up galaxies, galaxies make up the universe and who knows how many universes are stacked on top of each other. Wave your arm, you're brushing through an infinite number of universes. Why don't I obsess about this as much as the small things? Well, we're essentially a part of the universe in the same way that an atom is just a part of us; we're small, insignificant, and meaningless to whatever immense structure we are a part of. Who knows; maybe the universe is just one immense mobius strip, and we are a part of the universe, which together with other universes are merely just a part of us.

This isn't about the universe (much) though. This is about God. Because I do believe there is a God. Maybe we are just a part of some immense structure, just another cog in a system that we have no comprehension of. But something out there has an idea of what our purpose is, and whatever it is, has treated us like crap.

Now, when I was growing up, I had a lot of toys. Sure, they're inanimate objects that don't breathe or move or think, but they were still things that were important to me. If a toy broke, I would feel horrible, and I always treat my belongings responsibly. I'm not just talking about my crap to say I was a crazy person who treats inanimate objects like people. I'm trying to say that even if we are stupid little pieces in a larger puzzle, we should be treated with respect.

Which we aren't. Even if we accept popular theological beliefs, God has just shit all over humanity. Even the chosen people would just get fucked around by him. Job was just another casualty in one of his competitions with the Devil. He asked Abraham to sacrifice his first born son, and then last minute, "Hey! That thing I told you to do... yeah, don't worry about that anymore."

I'm just saying, if God exists, he really is a douchebag. Ever notice how good people are always the ones to suffer? My friend Tucker lost his mother in Sophomore year of high school. Donnah was an amazing woman, who treated everyone with love and respect. I knew her for almost 10 years, and in all that time, I always felt welcome in the Dunbar household. Then she got cancer, and after years of battling it, she passed away. Sure, she refused blood transfusions because of her religion, but I'm not talking about religion; I'm talking about God. I'm talking about the Almighty Being that supposedly created us and has been guiding us through our actions. I'm talking about the unnatural circumstances that transpired to create not only humans but the universe itself. There is nothing random about the universe; it may have been created trillions of years ago, but the fact of the matter is every particle in it has a purpose and a reason, and for that, God, whether it is some master architect sitting at his desk concocting new ideas, or just the mathmatical principle that holds the universe together, is a fucking douche.

I hate when good people have crap happen to them; my friend Tim just lost his sister to Leukemia, my friend Kory had leukemia when he was 12, relapsed at 14, and has lived with the fear of relapsing ever since. My mother lost her husband a month before I was born, and raised me all by herself, sacrificing love and careers to bring me up. Ghandi, MLK Jr, JFK (a little), Abraham Lincoln, and Jesus Christ (even if he is actually God), all got shafted. Literally, each and every one of them got the shaft, and what had they done wrong (well, aside from JFK- there's some shady stuff going on there)? But, it's not just death that's unfair; Death is a part of life. But life should be fair; everyone should be entitled to live a life free from persecution and from violence. There are millions of people in the world today that call a collection of boxes and metal "home." There are millions of children that will watch good people die of hunger while criminals flourish.

What the fuck God? You know, I don't care what you do to me. My father died at the age of 30, and at this point, I've inherited his hair, why not his life-span too? The one thing I had that made me truly happy is gone, and while I doubt that was your doing, it still gets me in the right mind to say, "Fuck Off." If you're not going to do good, why even bother?

And yes, God does exist. There is no way that everything that exists today is random shit that occurred over the course of infinity. Who knows, we may just be the by product of whatever the true intentions were; maybe we are just the atoms that make up the molecules that make up the cells of an enormous inter-universe Penis, which is merely one penis of 7 on some incomprehensible being. Maybe all of the universes just make up one molecule of a blade of grass. WHO CARES. All I care about is that whoever started this take responsibility for it's actions.

So that's that. That is the huge discussion that sprung from the stupid quote I wrote down when I woke up in the middle of the night. At the time, I just kinda threw it down on a sticky-note, said, "hmm" and passed out again. When I woke up, I thought about it for a little. Tonight, I said, "Hey, I should write on that blog I have, because I have nothing better to do (literally, I watched an entire season of "How I Met your Mother" today. I really am ready for this semester to be over).

I have another Dream Comment, but I'm going to save it. This argument was pretty stupid, and for a bit there, I think I lost my thread. All I know is that I trust my car, I trust my computer, and I trust my cell phone all to work, but I don't understand how they work, and I don't really care why. Because even if I did understand, it would just be another inconsequential thing to think about. Like God. Even though I believe God exists (I have faith in him, just like technology), I don't care how it exists. Unlike technology, God isn't doing it's job though. It's fucking over good people, and helping bad people. And that's not really what I just ranted about this whole time anyways.

So, yeah. This blog officially has 4 different segments: Dream Catching (Late-Night Inspired Philosophy), Running Man (My running blog), Star Wars Reviews (Recipe a day, a la Julia Childs) and Derek's Adventures (right not it's just singular "adventure").

4 different segments, and only one follower. I don't care though. This is more for me to think about things. Rather than keep them in my head where they bounce around alot though, I can get them down in words, no matter how incoherent, and maybe clear my head.

Running Man Day 8: Weigh In

Day 1:
Weight (3/21): 208
Weight (3/29): 206.5
Change: 1.5

Mile Time 1: n/a
Mile Time 2: n/a
Change: n/a

So, I did lose weight, but not nearly as much as I was hoping. This could be because of my weekend. I'm not proud of what I did, but I didn't really keep my resolve. Friday I ordered a pizza with Tim, and while I only had a few slices that night, I didn't run on Saturday, ate the rest for breakfast, and then Sunday had a little more than I needed at dinner. Sunday though, I did go for an hour run, so, it wasn't that bad. It just might help explain why I didn't lose as much as I thought I would.

So, tomorrow will be my first mile-time. I guess we'll see how that goes.

Running Man: Day 5- Summary Day

So, I haven't gone running yet today. Actually, I've only been "awake" for about an hour (I don't have classes on Friday, and it's reeeaaaaallly cold outside). So, here I am at 1:30PM writing this little entry in my blog. Keeping track of what I ate kinda went to shit, because I can't even remember what I ate yesterday (I had a piece of stick for dinner though).

Anyways, Monday I did a short 20 minute run because it was rainy, cold, and absolutely miserable. Wednesday, I did a 30 minute run, it was a little warmer, and it was the furthest I'd run since I started. Yesterday though, I ran for about 15 minutes, then went in to the gym and used the stationary bike for 40 minutes. I meant to go every other day, but I think I'll just use the bike twice a week.

Rough Weekly Schedule:
Monday- 20-30 minutes with strides
Tuesday-30 minutes
Wednesday- 20-30 minutes, with bike
Thursday- 30 minutes
Friday-20-30 minutes with strides
Saturday-20 minutes
Sunday- 1 hour

Sunday's run is what my coach told me to include. He said the best way to speed up weight loss and get back into running shape is to have at least one long run, and right now, to take it run 20 minutes, walk 2-3, run 20 minutes, walk 2-3, run whatever is left. Sunday is weigh in day (I cheated while I was in the gym yesterday, and checked, still on pace for my 2.5 a week) so, that'll be good right after that long run.

You know what else will be good after that long run? A big glass of Chocolate Milk.

Running Man: Day 1- The Weigh In

This past January I decided I was going to get back into shape. During highschool, I ran cross country and indoor track, and at my best I weighed 155 pounds and could run a 5:35 mile. That was almost 3 years ago though. In my senior year of high school, I gained twenty pounds and graduated at 180 pounds. Now, 3/4th the way through my sophomore year of college, I had reached 215 pounds, and I was dreaming about that 5:35 mile.

Well, that's what prompted this goal. With my girlfriend, I decided to lose at least 30 pounds, ideally 40, and get back into shape. Well, I started the semester off strong; for the first 2 weeks I ran every day, or went to the gym. Unfortunately, in that second week, I got broken up with, and my work-out schedule got derailed. For the next 6 weeks, my gym attendance was erratic, and I really had no motivation to do anything.

Unfortunately, weighing 215 pounds, standing only 5'8", and balding quickly, my physical appearance left much to be desired. Now I consider myself a nice guy; I'm patient, a good listener, compassionate, blah blah blah, but aside from those 4 years in highschool when I was in good shape, I've never had any lucky in the "ladies department." So, now, single for the first time in 4 years, I need to do serious work. A nice guy is like a good book, and girls are just like any other human being; if it's got a shitty cover, it will not be opened.

Let me be clear about something though; this is not just about getting back into dating. I really do want to get back into shape. I lost a lot of confidence in myself in those years when I gained that weight, and while I don't blame my break-up on my weight, I can't help but wonder if it contributed. The other aspect, getting in shape enough that girls will look at me again, is important, but that's just a short term goal. Long term is to run a 5:35 mile, and to never run slower than a 7:00 mile again in my life.

So here we are. I've been running for a week now, and eating better with better portions (the other half of this goal), and I'm ready to weigh in. My goal is to write each day what I ate, what I ran, and then every week weigh in, and every other week do a time trial. My coach once told me that for every 10 pounds you lose, you can take a minute off of your mile time. I've got 50 pounds to lose, and definitely at least 5 minutes before I'm at 5:35 again.

Day 1:
Weight 1: n/a
Weight (3/21): 208
Change: n/a

Mile Time 1: n/a
Mile Time 2: n/a
Change: n/a

Meals:
Brunch at 12:00- mini pigs in a blanket, salad (greens, green and red peppers, cukes,crumble Parmesan and blue cheese), Apple Juice w/ Cranberry juice
Dinner at 6:00- Balogna and fat free cheddar cheese sandwhich on 12 grain bread.

So, here we go. By August 15th, 2010, I want to run my 5:35 mile, or at least be under 6 minutes. I want to lose at least 40 pounds, preferably 50. I lost 7 pounds in 6 weeks without running, so, hopefully I'll be shedding weight like my hair the next 5 months. 10 pounds a month. I can do this.

Star Wars Review #1.2: Heir to the Empire, the last 200 pages

So, seeing as I only reviewed the first 200 pages the first time, I guess I'll have to complete this review at some point. I finished the book about a week ago, and have since began reading "Dark Force Rising" which is, of course, the second book of Zahn's amazing trilogy.

This will be a shorter post because the first 200 pages (and my incredible review) really got to the core of what made this book incredible. The characters, the writing, the descriptions. Everything is spot on, most importantly, the feel is what is authentic. There is never a let-down in the pace, and even the most trivial things become far more significant(usually with the help of our good friend Mr. Thrawn, who is able to extra sublime meaning out of every hand wave).

There are a few problems I noticed however, but they're issues that don't detract from the story. At times, it feels a lot like certain scenes are forced in order to move the plot along. Obviously, that's the plots objective, to be pushed forward, but some of the ideas used are just odd. For instance, when Leia suggests going to Kashyyyk, there is a huge debate about "finding a slicer," and though it's important to split Leia and Han (Leia needs to find out about the Norghi), but does Han really need to land on Myrkr? His and Lando's presence there does nothing for the plot except give Luke an opportunity to flee, which he would have done anyways if Karrde had moved him when the Imperials were arriving. In general, it's a small frustration, but still present. Especially when Leia just ends up leaving Kashyyyk anyways. I guess we'll have to see whether the Han-Lando-Karrde interaction was essential, and I'm sure it is, but I wanted to make sure I posted it first.

The only other complaint I have is not so much technical as an observation of Thrawn's character. So adept at analyzing every species, every mind for that matter, he is able to exploit every weakness an individual reveals, and as though he can read minds, anticipates every action. Why is it then that he treats the Norghi so badly? Thrawn is cold, to be sure, but he is calculating in every other instance except when dealing with the Norghi, in which case he is simply haughty. "She and her guardians will eventually run out of tricks," he says about Leia's escape from capture on Kashyyyk. "Certainly long before we run out of Norghi." (344). How will this mistreatment of the Norghi turn out? (SPOILER ALERT: _________RHUK KILLS THRAWN.)

But, even in the midst of defeat, Thrawn shows his brilliance. The Battle for Sluis Van ended badly for the Grand Admiral; though his plan was executed perfectly, and nearly all the of ships were captured before Lando set off the mole-miners, he calmly orders Pellaeon to withdraw from the battle. Pellaeon shows some shock at this order; this was the major offensive that had been built up to the entire book, why was he abandoning now? "We haven't been defeated, Captain," he intones after the battle's unsettling result. "Sluis Van was to be merely a preliminary to the campaign, no the campaign itself. As long as we have Mount Tantiss, our ultimate victory is assured." (399). What is so important about Mount Tantiss? How Will Thrawn utilize all those technologies he uncovered? Is there any reason Thrawn is looking for new ships, aside from rebuilding his fleet? These questions are all incredibly important, but Pellaeon has a moment of contemplation that highlights the caliber of an enemy the New Republic faces in Grand Admiral Thrawn; "[He] wondered, once again, what the Battle of Endor would have been like if Thrawn had been in Command." (399).

So, that's my review. Aside from those questions about the Imperials, what about the New Republic? How will they face this internal struggle between Fey'la and Ackbar, who has been imprisoned on counts of treason? How are the Imperials getting this information out of the Capital? What will happen with the Norghi now that they know Leia is Darth Vader's daughter? What is with the mysterious calling cylinder that Luke found on Dagobah, and how does it relate to Yoda? Joruus C'baoth; what will be his impact, and will he get control over Luke, Leia, and the twins? These are just a few of the big questions that will be answered in the next two books, and I cannot wait to report them.

MTFBWY.

-DK

PS: I posted a picture of the normal cover with the last post. This is what my copy looks like. Most of the book is falling apart at the seam, hence the nifty paper-clip holding it all together.